hey... i found a picture of us that you don't have put up on myspace...

here:                     

now those days are the ones that i miss. i love you!

alright... so i guess alot has changed since i was sixteen. but sadly, you deserea are probably the only one thats going to read this. but you never know...

i'm no longer with patrick, or elija or donovan or ryan. [i think that's all i wrote about... lol.] now i'm with johnny. almost 2 years... sometimes it doesn't seem that long. he really is an amazing guy. i thank God often that i met him.

anyways, i miss you alot, deserea. ever since you moved out of texas. it's weird being at home now. you and brandon both moved away... and now adrienne has a baby. things are ALOT different since we were sixteen. i miss it in alot of ways. we were so carefree -- besides being obsessed with those boys. lol. that's the part i don't miss. because now it's awkward to hang out with elija. i miss being his friend so much... but now everytime we hang out, it's like he tries to make it a date. thats when i would need you there. just like that first night. [wow, that night was a first for alot of things. bahahah.] you're the wall that keeps him from being like that. you make it easy to be friends like we were before. i hate that i hurt him, but he has someone now... you'd think that would be enough.
my point was that i don't do anything at all really when i'm home now. i don't party or anything. all i do is hang out with adrienne and my goddaughter... and with darko. [which i probably really shouldn't do, since he makes it very hard to fight off my -- uh -- hormones, i guess.] it's so boring otherwise. i hang out with mom constantly. sometimes i feel like i shouldn't be so close to her at this age. you know? most 20 year olds never hang out with their parents unless it's to have dinner with them every once in a while. is that a bad thing? i'm pretty sure that i love my mom more today than i ever have... and thats not even because of grandma dying.
i feel like i need to party a little bit. or atleast go run around with someone. that's when you were supposed to step in. thats why i make myself go with you when you're in town no matter where it is bc i know i'll have fun, i'm just not used to the partying and whatnot anymore.
and i want you to know how badly you hurt my feelings when you'd come into town and hang out with emily. i'm very fond of her and i love it when we all hang out, but for you to call her first, before me... and then not even let me know that you're out doing anything, that hurts so much. i thought we were BFF's... held eachother closer to our hearts than anyone else. am i just being weird about this?

sorry, i'm going to shut up now. hahah. i guess it's kinda nice to blog since i haven't done it in so long.
maybe i'll start back up...